The Roles of People

I have people in my life who somehow come to play certain roles in my life. There are my parents and they are well my parents. I love my parents for that. Certain parents are there for me all the time and other come and go, but no matter what I love them all the same.

I have friends in my life that seem to play roles also. There are two in particular who seem to play the role of the older brother and the mother figure while my mother is "absent" and doing her bidding in other places.

This friend that I have seems to play the role more and more of my older brother that I have never had. He takes the role off and on in some areas, he plays a game without realizing it where he likes to give advice and when he does sometimes it is harsh and makes me not want to talk to him, but all the while I know it is because he wants me to keep my head on straight and keep going and doing all the correct things. So even if it may seem harsh it is just who and how he deals with things that makes it worth the wile of staying with the friendship.

His mother has taken on the role of being my adopted mother. She has told me that she thinks of me as the daughter that she never had and we talk on a consistent basis. She has said to me more times than I can count that she is proud of me. And during this particular point in my life that has been very helpful and it means a very great deal to me.

Everything that I am working towards at this point in time can either be easy or stressful. It can take two courses it really depends on who I decide to surround myself around during this time that will make it all worthwhile. I have chosen to take a path that many do not take and would not dream of. But I am willing to do it and I know that I have the brain power and the correct energy for it.

I have decided to surround myself with people who care and love me for who I am and are willing to surround me with love while I chose to embrace it. I have a lot that I have to work towards and it is going to be a long process of getting through school. As long as I have all of these people in my life along with others that will come in and we all support each other in the ways that we need it, things will work out.

Lincoln

It hurts bringing my uncle Lincoln up. But I need to do it. There are some people in my family that still have not come to terms to the fact that he is gone. He has been gone since May of 2007. I have been thinking about him more often. And I talked to a family member about it. This person has yet to come to terms with it.

This person has still not visited his grave. It hurts. I named the child that I carried in my womb after my uncle. I see that the name that I chose for this child to carry on was correct. I see more and more of myself and Lincoln in this child.

I am filled with so many emotions about this. Have I truly come to terms with it? Do I really know that he is gone and there is no more calling him and talking with him about my life? Maybe I haven't....I just don't know.

I just don't know if I really know and believe that he is gone. It has almost been 4 years since it has happened. I just know that he is missed and it hurts that he was taken from this world so fast and young. It is just not fair.

Sad

It's been a long time since I have felt this way. There are few words to express it other than I feel sad. I had to make a very hard decision today and I cried over it even though I know it is the right decision. I feel hurt, I feel lost yet not at the same time. I know what it is that I need to do and I am working towards the correct thing. It doesn't mean that it is any easier.

I am in a relationship with someone who pushes me in the right directions. He voices his frustration and I know that it is placed correctly and I completely understand it, which is part of the reason that I made this decision. About 90% of this decision was based on what I knew would be the right thing to do. It doesn't mean that it makes it any easier.

I will be a better person by what I have chosen to do and I will become a stronger woman in the long run also. Financially, emotionally, and physically. But today I am in a bit of a mourning process by my own doing. I really shouldn't say mourning, but just sad. I should have made this decision a long time ago, but I didn't. And for that I am sad. I should have known better.

Everything will work itself out in the end.

Ups and Downs of 2011

This new year has already had its ups and downs.

The down side; I am choosing to end a friendship that has been around for more than 6 years. I feel horrible about it, but he expressed feelings towards me that I should have seen coming, but I didn't. I truly thought that he just thought of me as a friend and that is all that I really felt for him. Unfortunately; I made the decision that it is going to be better to end that friendship and not let him get to more attached to me as a friend or with his emotions with me as a woman. I said my goodbyes to him tonight. Strange how it did not hurt to lose this friend since I did believe that he may have been a good friend, yet again I may have been wrong.

he upside of things. I am happy at the place that I am at emotionally and physically and could not feel more love and compassion in every fiber of my being for the people that are in my life. I love my siblings and parents very much. Oh and don't forget the lovely grandparents who are always a ball of emotions; something new everyday when it comes to them. I fell in love with Mr. Wonderful all over again. Alot of conversations were had this weekend. I laughed, I cried, and I was reminded of where my heart has been and where it shall stay for the time to come.

So for the moment it is a good year. I couldn't ask for more in my life than what I already have.